you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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