remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
