sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
