my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
