He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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