this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
