I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
