At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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