Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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