apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Randomize
