I smell stomach acid.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
