Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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