No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
