I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My bed smells like the plague
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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