I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
