she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
