I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
