just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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