It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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