I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
