May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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