You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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