I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
