i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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