i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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