if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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