nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
