I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
