I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
