pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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