I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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