Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
