My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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