There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
