I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
