A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
