dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
