Screwed.edu
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
