I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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