I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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