i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
