I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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