I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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