god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
