My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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