So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
