Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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