why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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