East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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