You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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