i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
