They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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